CES 2011 is filled with things we want: Star Wars on Blue-ray, 4G smart phones, and sweet sports cars. It is also full of things no one wants or needs. It is to these unsung heroes of the bizarre that we turn our laser-sharp focus.
Sleek by 50 Cent Platinum Headphones
50 Cent won’t take out the trash for his grandma (“I’m rich fuck this I’m going home I don’t need this shit” will live forever in infamy), but he will sign a picture for you at CES while promoting his new headphones. Mr. Cent is teaming up with Sleek Audio to take on Dr. Dre and Monster’s Beats collection. Not many details are known, but they are made of what looks to be a ridiculous amount of high-grade carbon fiber. They’re wireless, but can be converted to wired phones with the detachable cable should you run out of juice. There’s no word so far on pricing of a release date, which is the kind of thing you should have when promoting your product at the one venue where it will probably get the most attention it will ever get.
Nyko Power Shot for Move
I didn’t ask for one assault rifle simulating plastic peripheral for the Playstation Move (shit, I didn’t even ask for the Playstation Move in the first place), yet I got one in late October from CTA. Now, because one just isn’t enough, mediocre peripheral kings Nyko are releasing another for an unannounced price in March. What am I going to use this for? SOCOM 4? Oh, yeah, that was supposed to come out for the Move, but that’s not happening forever. Killzone 3, I guess? I just don’t have enough room in my life for another hunk of plastic I’m only going to use for ten minutes a year.
SanDisk's $1500 Memory Card
SanDisk has some seriously enormous stones to introduce a memory card that costs $1500. And yet here we are, soon to be graced by a 128GB high-capacity CompactFlash card that costs far more than anyone should pay for a memory card. If you are really in need of that much memory, you could buy four of the same memory cards in 32GB versions for less than half of that price, but then you’d have to carry around four different memory cards, wouldn’t you? And that’s at least the weight of three bird feathers. Oh, the rich and their data storage.
Vyne
I don’t need to watch up-close, hands-free video on my iPhone so bad that I am willing to attach a device that looks like a scoliosis brace to my neck and chest. Truth be told, this device probably wouldn’t work with boobs anyway. Typical design oversight. The Vyne can also be coiled to sit on your desk should you want to use it as a regular stand. I don’t see how anyone thought this product would be commercially viable, but I sure am glad it exists: how bad do you want to see some d-bag trip and fall?
Native Union MM03i
I guess those retro handsets for the iPhone are kind of funny, but I wouldn’t go out of my way to buy one. I certainly wouldn’t go out of my way to buy one that is completely serious, like the Nation Union MM03i. Part iPhone charging dock and Bluetooth handset, the MM03i allows you to succumb to your irrational ear cancer fears by giving your iPhone a wireless handset. Since you will be at home when using this device, you could just go ahead and use a landline if this is a concern of yours, but then you wouldn’t be able to spend $150 on a device that will make all your techie friends laugh at you. Soon to available in black AND white!
Lady Gaga Polaroid Polarez GL20
Not content to simply design headphones with Dr. Dre, Lady Gaga has moved on to Polaroid, of all places, to wreak her particular brand of ocular havoc. Soon you too will be able to wear these enormous shades (pictured on this tastefully de-nippled mannequin), should you possess the neck strength of an adult giraffe. The kicker is, they display 1.4 inch images or video right beneath your eyes, either from an SD card or shot by the camera built right into the glasses. I cannot foresee anything bad possibly happening as a result of these glasses.
Vitality GlowCaps
Do you have difficulty remembering to take your pills? The Vitality GlowCaps, which attach to each of your prescription bottles, keep you accountable by wirelessly relaying a signal to the Vitality network every time you open the bottle. If you don’t do so at the regularly scheduled time, the thing will flash and play a ring-tone to remind you to down your Lipitor. They will also call your home phone, as well as alert your friends and family members every week to the fact that you have been taking your medicine. Also, this product costs $99 for a one cap starter kit plus a $15 per month subscription fee. I have a reminder for you to take your medicine: it’s your body feeling sickness, and if it doesn’t when you forget your pills, you don’t need to be on the pills in the first place. Also, alarm clocks. You’re welcome, sickly reader!
Fujitsu Lifebook AH572
It’s a Roomba with a security camera, so you can get a good look at your home invader’s feet before he steals all of your valuables, which would include the LG Hom-Bot. It was also advertised as being able to feed your pet while you’re away. Dang, isn’t that awesome? No, it’s not. It can only feed Lord Scruffertons if it’s within range of an automatic food dispenser. Automatic: as in the food dispenser can feed the dog perfectly fine just by itself. What do I know, though—this thing will probably become the new Starcraft to the Koreans.
Fujitsu Lifebook AH572
Fujitsu’s new 3D laptop comes with polarized glasses (the shitty alternative to the far superior shutter shades) and its own 3D webcam. Yes, a 3D webcam. Coupled with the fact that it includes a second-gen Intel Core i5 processor when everyone’s moved on to greener pastures with Sandy Bridge, and the starter model costs a thousand bucks, and it cannot actually produce any realistic 3D imagery—I’d say you can give this one a pass this year.
GM En-V
If you’re worried that your Smart car makes you look too butch, GM has a solution for you in the En-V, the two-person vehicle that was cut from the bumper car scene in Tron Legacy for not making enough sense. General Motors showed off the pod, which can be kicked over by a toddler with atrophied calf muscles, in December. I just can’t believe they’re still showing it. It’s envisioned as a solution for busy speedways of the future (the press release paints a glim picture of a mega-city covered Earth, 2030 A.D., population: 8 billion), but won’t we have better technology by the time there is any sort of demand for something like this? Thanks for busy dumping money into this stupid crap, GM, and passing the costs on to me. This is why I can’t have my dream Buick.
Signeo Soul by Ludacris
Really, the rapper-endorsed headphone market hasn’t yet reached the saturation point? Thank God, because I’m holding out for the Spinderella Earhole Ticklers. You may, however, want to side with Ludacris in this audio beef, and you are now able to with the Signeo Soul headphones. They’ll be available in five different models, from in-ear to on-ear to noise cancelling. Though the press flim-flam claims that the Soul line is “yet another successful venture of the business mogul,” it remains to be seen how many pairs will actually be sold, because I know exactly zero dudes in America who have ever heard of Signeo (besides headphones for Asians, they make gangsta dehumidifiers for General Electric).
